A weekend from H E L L

Hell is the only word I can think of to describe the weekend I have been living. I wasn't sure I wanted to write anything for all my friends and family to read (you might think I'm a bit crazy, which let's just get it out, I am) but I've been a crying, emotional wreak all weekend and I have been crying to complete strangers anyway so I might as well let it all out here. I'm still trying to survive my weekend from hell but I think I can see the light at the end so I think I am over the worst of it all.

So the hell part of the weekend has a name called ANXIETY. It is an awful monster and I don't know how people cope with it on a regular basis. They are truly amazing. I'm hoping this is just pregnancy related and a one time event. I'm praying that it is.

It all started Thursday morning. Koby was getting ready to leave for Zions for a weekend hiking, rappelling and swimming through different canyons. I thought all was good until I started panicking about him being gone 2 nights and 3 days. I thought it was a silly reaction and it would go away but it didn't, it got worse. I had plans to even go out with my friend Emily on a walk and water aerobics, perhaps watch a movie and hang out. I couldn't get rid of the panic or the "fight or flight" sensation. I also felt like I was walking through a cloud. If I thought about certain things, panic would sweep over my body. I had constant claustrophobic feelings. I thought a change of scenery, being out in public, etc. would help but it didn't and I could feel it getting worse. I was able to talk to friends and family that helped me not feel so alone since they have also had to deal with anxiety and panic attacks, worse than I was even experiencing. It all helped but nothing I did could take away the constant panic feeling.

My weekend (Thurs-Sat) has been filled with fighting the feelings of panic, feeling out of control of my body and emotions, wondering if I will get out of the emotional mess and if it will ever end. I've never had to deal with anything of this magnitude and it has been quite the experience. I've been to someone for emotional processing, I've had several priesthood blessings (which have been a huge help), I've had almost constant 24 hour support/ company from my wonderful friends and family who have stayed with me so I didn't feel alone and who helped clean my house, take care of the kids, feed me, etc. I've taken different herbs and remedies (one suggestion from the pharmacy was Benadryl), tried different relaxation techniques, gone shopping, distracting myself, and so on.

I'm very excited for Koby to come home so that life can get back to normal. I rely on him so much emotionally sometimes. I guess that can be good or bad. I think I am dealing with a lot of emotions and feelings that came bursting out when Koby left. One thing I know for certain, there will not be ANY more trips for Koby until this baby is born!! Pregnancy and hormones can do crazy things to a person.

Thanks for listening to my crazy talk, it is actually quite therapeutic to get this out, give me something to occupy my time with, and widdle some of the time left before Koby gets back late tonight. If anything, all of this has made me appreciate my family and friends a billion times more and feel their love. It is nice to feel loved and be reminded that people care. It also reminds me that life is not controllable and that I need to rely on the Lord for support and comfort. Life can be crazy and sometimes I need to ask for help. It is very humbling.