Sitting around on a Sunday

I don't have much to post. I haven't taken pictures in a long time because I had lost my camera. Unfortunately it was lost the weekend of the 4th of July so I don't have any pictures of that day either.

When people ask how I am doing I'm pretty honest and say ok or alright, which is what I am. I have to take a day at a time and be grateful when I have made it another day. The anxiety is probably not a huge trial for some and I am so amazed at the trials others go through. For whatever reason though, the anxiety has been a huge trial for me. I guess that is why we all have our own "custom made" trials for us- to help us learn and grow and test our own personal strengths and weaknesses.

Unfortunately my trial affects all those around me and I feel bad, but what can I do? It has affected Koby as he has to be strong for me as well, help out around the house more, and lose more sleep from my restlessness and waking up at nights. He also has to listen to all my whining and crying. Brigg and Kallie have definitely been affected as well. They seem to be fine but I can see that they are feeling the effects of everything as soon as I leave a room or the house. Both kids fall apart emotionally and cry, scream and throw fits. Brigg has ran after me screaming and crying as I drive away somewhere and Koby hasn't been able to catch him until several blocks away. Kallie cries every time I go upstairs. Both have become very clingy and Kallie has become more attached to her binky. (Several weeks ago I was weaning her off her binky and she was doing quite well until all this started up. Now she is attached more than ever and I don't want to make that another stress in my life right now. :) Today at church both Kallie and Brigg freaked out when it was time for class. Kallie eventually calmed down and was fine in nursery whereas Brigg would not go to Sunbeams and clung to me. Koby and Brigg spent the entire Sunday school and priesthood class time out in the hot car. Brigg is a stubborn little boy. I'm not quite sure what to do with the kids. I know they will be fine though, especially once mommy is fine.

I have had one good day this last week where I almost felt back to normal. Then I have a bad night or day and my confidence goes. It is more of an emotional/ mental struggle than anything.

I hate dwelling on this topic but it has overtaken my life right now. It does help to write out my feelings.

Some things that I have done this last week that have been a bright spot for me:

*Long, cool walks during the summer evenings.

*Date night with Koby last night- dinner and an evening with another couple.

* Going to the temple by myself on Tuesday. I really look forward to another day this next Tuesday.

* Office visit with Dr. Parker. I'm dilated 1 or 2 centimeters! It is a start. He also told me he wouldn't recommend the Zoloft (which validated my decision not to start on it) as it has a higher risk of suicide the first few weeks and can sometimes cause more anxiety. He said that he could give me something else more suited for anxiety if I really need it.

* Going to a finance class this week. You'd think that talking about finances would be stressful but for me it was at one of my calmest times this week. I am enjoying what I am learning although I have put off doing my budget this month. I think I will take a month off. Besides, I would probably not want to know how much I have been spending on things lately in the name of taking it easy- ie. going out to eat, money spent on entertainment and remedies for the anxiety. Whew!

* Reading books. I have finally started an interesting book so now I can escape to a book once in awhile. Any really good book recommendations? I need a "can't put down" book.

* All the help, love, kind words, and support from family and friends.

* Movies. Another thing to look forward to at night.

* Being with family/ friends and playing games, whether online or in person. It is something to look forward too even if I don't feel totally myself.

I am really looking forward to having this baby. I have been reading a few forums online where women have been very nervous about having their 3rd child but then realizing it isn't so bad. Most of them have commented that the transition from 1 to 2 kids was harder than 2 to 3. That makes me feel good, even though most people tell me 3 kids is harder. I will take no sleep and craziness with 3 kids over the craziness I have been in now. I also look forward to running again. I wish I could run right now. I think it would help my anxiety immensely.

Right now I don't think my anxiety has much to do with any one thing other than fearing another panic attack and the anxiety itself. It is a vicious cycle that isn't easy to get out of and affects me physically. I also look forward to eating sugar again. :) I have a bag of peanut butter m&m's waiting for me when I get through this. Nothing like a little sugar bribery.

I'll take some more pictures so that I have a more enjoyable post next time. I hope something hilarious happens to me this next week so I can write about it. I'll leave you with something funny that happened to me a few days ago.

I was having a rough day, being a bawl baby, when my mother in law brought over some Epsom salts for a relaxing bath. I cried myself out (those do wonders for me!) and was feeling better, excited for a book and warm bath. My mom had told me to try some Niacin (B-3) vitamin because it can help you clear your head from the foggish feeline I was having. I forgot she told me to take a half and I took a whole. I ended up with flaming bright red, itchy skin. The bath didn't last long as that made my skin hotter. It was pretty funny. Thank goodness the symptoms went away and I was able to take my bath. Something worked enough that I was even able to take a short nap- the first one in weeks.