I'm a survivor

At least that is what I will be after this pregnancy. I thought I was through the worst of my anxiety/ panic problems but it struck with a vengeance on Tuesday night. I had fallen asleep (Koby was watching a movie in bed) but woke up around midnight and Koby had gone to bed. For whatever reason, I was panicked. I have woken up panicked before, but this didn't go away. I tried for 2 hours to get rid of it on my own but to no avail. I woke up Koby and he gave me a priesthood blessing, we turned on a movie to help get my mind off of things and I tried for the next two hours to go to sleep. I sort of fell into a fitful sleep around 4. I woke up with major anxiety and spent the next few days trying to feel "normal" again. Ever since that time, I have had anxiety, sometimes bordering on panic attacks. I have decided that this will be my trial for now and that it is just a bummer part of pregnancy for me at this point.

I went and saw one of my midwives last Wednesday and she prescribed some Zoloft (anti-depressant) and Ambien (sleeping pill) to me. She said that women often show depression through anxiety, but even if I am not dealing with depression (which I don't think I am), she can't prescribe anything for anxiety but depression medication works for anxiety as well. It would take a few weeks to build in my system and she told me I should stay on it for a few months after the baby is born as well. I talked to a few pharmacists and they both said there isn't much known about how Ambien or Zoloft affect a baby in utero, but there hasn't been any "bad" effects. I was about to go fill the prescriptions right then because I was at my wits end but I talked to a few people, including Koby, and they thought I shouldn't go on the medication right now. I have almost 5 weeks left until my due date and I think I can survive. I also talked to a few people who deal with anxiety and panic attacks (to the point of passing out) on a regular basis and they have learned how to deal with it. So that is what I am trying to learn to do, control my anxiety enough so that I won't have a panic attack. I think that most of my anxiety at this point is about having another panic attack and that they will never end. It is a vicious cycle that is very hard to get out of.

Some of the things that really help me are:

* Remembering to Live in the moment. I can't worry about the past or future or even later in the day, I have to live the very moment I am in.

* Relax and take it easy. My mom said to think of this as my 6 week vacation. Ha ha.

* Take Unisom! A huge blessing. The nighttime, which is usually one of my favorite times, a time when I get warm fuzzies, is now a huge stress. I sometimes freak out just thinking about going to sleep. I'm exhausted but worry I will have another panic attack. I'm trying to get over this mentally but it helps to take 1/2 a unisom to sleep at night. I know it is "safe" during pregnancy (unlike any info on Ambien) and I can still wake up enough if needed to take care of kids or something like that. It does make me very drowsy in the morning though- kind of fog headed.

* Go for a walk every night. This gets out some of the adrenaline that is pumping through my body. I try and calm my thoughts as well.

* Remember my Savior in all of this. This part is hard because I almost feel distanced from my Heavenly Father and Jesus. I feel numb. I am just taking it as it comes though, knowing that they really are there for me even if I don't feel it. I realize that it is me and my crazy emotions right now. I try to read my scriptures, conference talks (I read this wonderful one last night), and pray. I realize that I will be a stronger person after this trial of mine.

* Remember that this will end. I don't know for sure, but I hope this is a pregnancy only thing and that life will get better after the baby is born. It also takes time to let my oversensitive nerves to get back to normal.

* Do Yoga. I haven't done this yet, but I think it would be good. Besides, I really need to exercise.

* Go completely off sugar. I have drastically decreased my sugar intake, but every once in awhile I will take a bite of chocolate or something. I am going to try and go completely off. You think that would put me into a panic attack! It is pretty drastic when I am going off sugar. I'm pretty desperate.

* Priesthood blessings have helped the most in a way. Also, go to the temple. Where else is it more peaceful?

* Take my herbal supplements, prenatal pills, eat well, keep my blood sugar as stable as possible.

*Keep my mind active. It helps SO much to talk to other people, do things where I don't have to think about anxiety, etc. If you are ever bored, give me a call. :)

Anyhow, that is what is going on in my life. I hate it because I feel that it has consumed my life but really I'd rather think about other things. I also realize that there are so many people who deal with such worse trials. I have had a relatively smooth life for a long time and I guess I need something to liven it up. It is amazing how the body can do what it wants sometimes. I also hate feeling like I have lost control. It has been a very humbling experience going through this because I have had to give up any control I have and just roll with life.

Both my mom and mom-in-law have been helping me so much as well as other family members. It has been amazing. It is hard because I think I am fine one moment but the next I'm not doing well. They have helped me feel good with all the support they give. Koby has also been amazing by being very understanding, helping me out, doing things with me he usually doesn't want to do, and stay up late with me when I can't sleep. I know I will look back at this experience (I do right now) and be very grateful for it because it has given me a lot of blessings as well. You can't go through a trial and not grow from it.

I hope my future posts will be on more fun topics! Thanks so much for your past comments. One of my favorite things is staying connected with friends.