Update

I posted a few entries with pictures below but I thought I would do a quick update. A few people have asked how I am doing. I'd have to answer about the same. Each day is a battle between my body, mind and spirit. Some days my body wins and I have major anxiety, other days my mind can fluctuate between positive and negative/ defeated thoughts and the anxiety will come and go, and other days my spirit wins and things are going relatively well. I would say that I battle the anxiety every day though and it can be extremely draining both physically and emotionally. I probably cry everyday but that can be very relieving and therapeutic sometimes. I have been battling this for 4 weeks now and I am trying very hard to accept this trial and make the most of it. They say if you accept the anxiety, it gets better. I want to just learn what I need to learn so it will all go away. :) I'm guessing I need to learn patience.

It all has been a life changing experience and I hope by the end of it (because it will end!) I will look back on it all and realize how much I have learned about myself and my relationships with others and my Heavenly Father. I definitely don't feel like myself and I am excited for the time when life feels normal again, when I am happy and excited about life, when I can go to bed and sleep and not fear the night time or just the act of sleeping, when my emotions and hormones are normal again. :) I have so much empathy for people who live with depression and anxiety and insomnia everyday. Many people look like normal people living a happy life but those people often pretend to be feeling good. Really there is a boiling turmoil inside.

One thing that has helped me a lot has been a self help program called Attacking Anxiety and Depression that a friend loaned to me. I have enjoyed it so much I bought a program for myself. It teaches you about anxiety, panic attacks and depression. They say 80% of people who suffer from anxiety also suffer from depression. I don't doubt it because anxiety is depressing! It changes how you feel, how you live, everything about your life. It takes over your life (which is why you need to attack it). I believe and hope my anxiety is just an end of pregnancy, crazy hormonal thing that will go away after the baby is born. I have hope that it will end. If I didn't have that hope and I thought my life would be like this forever, I'd be very depressed! Some days I feel like it will never go away. Anyhow, the program teaches about anxiety, what causes it, how to end panic attacks (very helpful!), how having a healthy self esteem and being a positive person helps, how your personality fits in (perfectionist, high expectations, etc) your diet (sugar and caffeine are horrible for your adrenals), stopping the worrying, "what-if" thinking, guilty feelings etc., and medication. A lot of things that would be great to work on regardless of an anxiety problem. I need to work on my self esteem and being more positive anyway. If I learn the life skills and change myself, I can help my kids as well. I don't see myself as an overly anxious person or overly negative, but I can be better.

This is becoming a long update and I was meaning to keep it short. I don't want to be depressing. :) My biggest anxiety is about sleeping. It is a vicious cycle- I worry about sleeping so then I don't sleep because of all the anxiety. Last night I didn't fall asleep until 5am. The unisom didn't work. It is very frustrating to say the least because I feel like I am broken. Something that is so easy, a simple (and wonderful!) part of life, brings me so much frustration and anxiety. But it will get better. Like I say, I hope it is all pregnancy related. My favorite part of the day are my walks around the hills of my house at dusk. I can clear my head and give myself a pep talk. It is my time with prayer too.

I'll end this long epistle. I have wonderful family (when I say family that means Koby's side too) who have helped me and been my angels and life savers. They have taken on babysitting, meals, cleaning and being my cheerleaders so that I can deal with myself. I'm a handful now! I'm getting through each day and only 2 weeks, 6 days until my due date!! Hopefully baby comes earlier than that. :) Btw, another thing I look forward to is running!!! Oh do I wish I could run! All those lovely endorphins.

I'm so sick of my own problems. Someday the screaming monster on my shoulder will go away and I won't have to think about my problems and feel so selfish. And in the spirit of Pioneer Day, I am SO very grateful I don't have to endure the hardships they went through.
The pioneers were amazing people who lived some hard lives!