I have had a billion blog posts in my head the last month but I haven't found the time or motivation to write anything. I am finally sitting down to do one that I have wanted to for a long time.
I have been thinking about appearances and how we never really know reality sometimes. I have learned a little about how we never know what is going on in some one's life, what they are thinking, feeling, struggling with, or experiencing. I recovered physically from Maren's birth really fast- I dropped off the weight really fast, I was up and doing things, going places, I was back at church within 2 weeks (I would have been there the next week but forced myself to stay home), I was out walking immediately and running the day before Maren was 2 weeks old. From all appearances, I looked like I was super woman and I had a lot of people remark how fast and early I was out and looking good. Little did most of these people know the reason why I was doing these things- I was going crazy on the inside and these things helped me to cope. I needed to be out with people, I needed to keep my mind occupied, I needed to run as fast as I could to get out some of that anxiety, to get out my frustrations. People didn't realize I wasn't sleeping even though my baby was sleeping well. They didn't realize I was crying almost everyday, frustrated with my body and mind and all the physical symptoms of anxiety I was experiencing. If I got through the day, I had made a huge accomplishment. Life was really hard for me. It was ironic that people kept telling me I looked so good, was doing so much. From the outside, I looked like I had it together.
One year ago on October 4th will be the day I ran the St. George Marathon. I can't believe it was a whole year ago! It seems so far in my past. This was an amazing time of my life. I felt great physically (other than my IT band that gave me fits), my life was organized and in control. I felt like I was on top of the world when I crossed the finish line.
It was a dream come true for me, a feat I never imagined I would ever accomplish. I never in my wildest dreams thought I would run a marathon. I know now that ANYONE can run a marathon- it is all about putting your mind to it.
Looking back on my experiences training for and running the marathon, I realize how much that was a gift from God. I was inspired to sign up for the marathon, I felt very impressed that it was important to train and run the marathon. It brought me closer to Koby and it was so fun! I gained amazing confidence in myself that I could do anything I put my mind to accomplish.
With all the pre and postpartum depression and anxiety I have felt the last 3 months, I know that Heavenly Father had also foreseen that I needed the marathon experience to help me through this trial. It was a matter of putting my mind to getting through it, remembering how hard it had been to keep going and that I could surely get through what I was currently going through. Even though the marathon experience had been a lot of work and determination to finish, I look back on the experience as one of the best of my life where I learned so much about myself. I know that I will look back on what I have been experiencing the last 3 months and see it as a huge learning experience about myself, Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, about faith, and trials. Life is all about growing and changing. I don't like change but I know I will be better for whatever I go through.
I am doing well and have been doing better each week. I have been SO close to going in medication- I have a billion prescriptions sitting on my dresser including Zoloft, Ativan, Ambien, Hydroxypam, etc. and a prescription for Lexapro waiting for me at Walmart. I have tried a few of them other than Zoloft and Lexapro since those are anti-depressants and more of a long term medication. I may still need to use one of them someday but so far I have been able to control my symptoms with some herbal and vitamin/ amino acid supplements that were recommended by women who had postpartum depression and were able to avoid prescriptions. I seem to be doing a lot better so I hope this is the beginning of the end! Until then, when I have bad days, I remember what I was doing a year ago.
With all the pre and postpartum depression and anxiety I have felt the last 3 months, I know that Heavenly Father had also foreseen that I needed the marathon experience to help me through this trial. It was a matter of putting my mind to getting through it, remembering how hard it had been to keep going and that I could surely get through what I was currently going through. Even though the marathon experience had been a lot of work and determination to finish, I look back on the experience as one of the best of my life where I learned so much about myself. I know that I will look back on what I have been experiencing the last 3 months and see it as a huge learning experience about myself, Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, about faith, and trials. Life is all about growing and changing. I don't like change but I know I will be better for whatever I go through.
I am doing well and have been doing better each week. I have been SO close to going in medication- I have a billion prescriptions sitting on my dresser including Zoloft, Ativan, Ambien, Hydroxypam, etc. and a prescription for Lexapro waiting for me at Walmart. I have tried a few of them other than Zoloft and Lexapro since those are anti-depressants and more of a long term medication. I may still need to use one of them someday but so far I have been able to control my symptoms with some herbal and vitamin/ amino acid supplements that were recommended by women who had postpartum depression and were able to avoid prescriptions. I seem to be doing a lot better so I hope this is the beginning of the end! Until then, when I have bad days, I remember what I was doing a year ago.
I'm glad that things are getting better. I was just thinking about you - I'm so glad that things are improving. I agree - that marathon prepared you for so much, and knowing that you can run a marathon means that you can accomplish anything with God's help. You'll get through this, and you'll be such a help and inspiration to women who have to go through this same trial in the future. You're my hero, Slish. You can do it!
ReplyDeleteJohn and I were just wondering today how you were doing. Actually, I was wondering, and since I know John sees/talks to Koby for work I asked him if he knew how you were doing and he gave me this blank stare. Men, seriously.
ReplyDeleteDo you think you guys would like to come over for dinner and a visit sometime? We love to hang out with you and your kids. But if it's too much to deal with right now, we understand. Let me know.